Crying Out to God

It’s what I keep telling myself. Some people know some of what I’ve been through, but no one knows all of what I’ve been through and only me and God know the aftermath of what I deal with because of it all. As a child I’ve been through some things, and up until now as an adult I’ve been through a lot more. I’ve been through about every type of abuse you can think of. I’ve been broken, battered and bruised. I’ve been to the point of almost taking my own life, and of wishing God would stop my suffering here on earth and just go ahead and call me on home to be with him.

But I’m still here.

Why? Simply because of Him. There has been many times where I turned my back on God, because I felt that if he truly loved me he wouldn’t allow these things to happen to me. I didn’t feel loved, I felt like I didn’t have anyone to talk to about my issues or my problems because I was too embarrassed already, I didn’t want to be flat out humiliated and talked about to no end. So, I held it all in and eventually it would erupt in anger, anger to the point where I felt like I was literally possessed, and I was. The devil was most certainly possessing my mind. I would hear this voice coming out of my mouth and all the while I would be thinking to myself, “That doesn’t sound like me.” And it wasn’t me. It was the person that I was allowing the devil to make me into. And even though I didn’t stop it, I hated who I was becoming and I saw nothing but a dead end street if I continued to allow my bitterness and anger to continue to take hold of me.

But even though I would turn my back on God, he never turned his back on me. In the midst of all of my storms, he was there. As cliché as it sounds, he was that still small voice that would speak to me when I was alone to myself, giving me hope. When I got to the point where I was truly tired of how I was allowing the devil to have control over me, and when I was truly afraid of how I could end up, I had to lay my pride to the side, lock myself in my closet on numerous occasions and cry out to God. I had to stop praying for the change in others that I wanted to see, but instead focus on the changes in me that I absolutely needed to see. And I tell you what, when I started working on me, is when God began also working on those who I’d been praying to see change in before.

I still struggle with the pain from my past, I will not lie. As long as I’m alive the devil will try to lay these guilt trips on me, or have me living in my past.  But I truly see a difference in myself; I feel a difference in myself. I continue to go through things, but no one will even be able to tell, because I’m still praising God in the midst of it, still allowing myself to be used to uplift others. People don’t know it, but when I post things on my social networking pages, not only am I ministering to others, but to myself as well. I need God’s word just as much as anyone else.

 I still have moments where I feel as though God is the only one who I can talk to without judgment being passed, or when I feel like I need to go into my closet and just cry to him and to let out all of my frustration. That doesn’t make me a weak person, because the devil would have people around me telling me that I was weak amongst other things, when in actuality after going through everything I’ve gone through, not breaking down, ending up in prison or a mental institution, or even worse; dead before my work here on earth was done. Going through all of that and still coming out praising God, that makes me one of the strongest women alive. And a true asset to the Kingdom of God. 

“Call upon me in the day of trouble: I will deliver thee, and thou shalt glorify me”

 -Psalm 50:15